late night soul searching

"Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time"
-LL

I find myself reflecting on my past and comparing it to my present/future more and more lately. I remember a certain relationship I was in, if you could even constitute it as an actual relationship. For three years of my life I was relentless in my quest for love from this one person. I stopped at nothing to get his attention, adoring it even when the attention given was negative, hurtful, and only when it catered to his needs.

I put myself in the position to never get the respect I deserved because I gave him every inch of my soul without ever demanding anything back. It came to a point when I welcomed getting stomped on because it was better than being ignored. And when we had nothing left to talk about but his inability to keep a lasting friendship with anyone or his list of complaints about how his perfect life wasn't so perfect...we resorted to alcohol and weed. There has never been a worse time in my life than that year. A year that turned into a physical, emotional, and intellectual sacrifice of myself for someone that never even took the time to know me, appreciate me, or be honest with me. While I could never really say he had fallen in love with me, the decent thing for him to do would have been to politely reject me before I turned over three years of my life to a lost cause.

When I met Phil, I didn't know who I was, but I knew I wasn't going to find it in him or any other man I came across in my life. I didn't know how to process the idea that a conversation full of love, honesty, and disagreements didn't have to turn into a nasty, Chelsea-bashing, all-out screaming fight. I didn't know what it was like to trust someone not to completely, intentionally ruin you, and have them live up to that.

And when I compare what I had through high school to what I have now, I realize that my harsh, blunt, honest judgments I make on other people's relationships are because I've been in the bad one, and the good one. While every relationship is vastly different, there are certain things that have always been and will always be red flags to me. As much as I've tried not to be completely judgmental, I always will be. It's a part of who I am because I would never wish those feelings on anyone - the struggle of remaining yourself, but fighting for the light at the end of the tunnel, and the light then disappearing and you're the only one left fighting, or the constant negativity you receive and start to see in yourself because no one has given you anything else to believe in.