Department Store Baby
-
Baby ahead of me in line Eyes staring, beautiful they shine Fresh opened,
trusting, kind Shimmering wisdoms new and divine. Not stained with adult
gui...
1 day ago
12/09/2008
10/29/2008
10/10/2008
9/30/2008
conversations
I had two meaningful conversations today. One right after the other, in two different ways.
First, I had a meeting with my History prof [Matthew Daley, GVSU - get in one of his classes!]. We had to have a meeting about a paper, before final revisions. It was nice to hear such thoughtful compliments from a professor. He was very proud of my work, writing technique, and overall approach to this paper. After 5 minutes of me having a smile on my face so big it hurt, and him going through my paper, he asked me how I was doing with the other aspects of class. This meeting was meant to be 20 minutes long, and quickly turned into an hour. I enjoyed having an intellectual discussion about teaching styles at a Liberal Arts college, and what to expect when I cross over into Prof World. Witnessing a teacher that amped about History, as well as college in general, was so refreshing. Although he said he couldn't also help with my Linguistics class, he's still okay in my book. :)
After leaving his office and jumping on the bus, I started talking to the bus driver. I have this issue with the lack of acknowledgment that they are real people, with names and lives. Think about it, they have their name slots right next to the rear view mirror, and how many times do you actually use it? I'm one of the people that say thank-you when I get off the bus, but think of putting their name at the end of it. It reminds them that we know they're people, not just bus drivers. Anyways, her name was Dawn and for the 20 minutes of our trip together, we learned about each others lives, and I felt better knowing about her life. I think I've gotten too used to identifying people by their occupations, not their lives. I hope she gets away for her vacation to Washington D.C. like she wants.
So there you have it. Next time you have a few moments, talk to a Prof, bus driver, waitress, dog walker, whatever. Learn their names. Learn their lives. And see past the occupation. It could give you a sense of realization you weren't expecting on another mundane day you're just trying to "get through".
First, I had a meeting with my History prof [Matthew Daley, GVSU - get in one of his classes!]. We had to have a meeting about a paper, before final revisions. It was nice to hear such thoughtful compliments from a professor. He was very proud of my work, writing technique, and overall approach to this paper. After 5 minutes of me having a smile on my face so big it hurt, and him going through my paper, he asked me how I was doing with the other aspects of class. This meeting was meant to be 20 minutes long, and quickly turned into an hour. I enjoyed having an intellectual discussion about teaching styles at a Liberal Arts college, and what to expect when I cross over into Prof World. Witnessing a teacher that amped about History, as well as college in general, was so refreshing. Although he said he couldn't also help with my Linguistics class, he's still okay in my book. :)
After leaving his office and jumping on the bus, I started talking to the bus driver. I have this issue with the lack of acknowledgment that they are real people, with names and lives. Think about it, they have their name slots right next to the rear view mirror, and how many times do you actually use it? I'm one of the people that say thank-you when I get off the bus, but think of putting their name at the end of it. It reminds them that we know they're people, not just bus drivers. Anyways, her name was Dawn and for the 20 minutes of our trip together, we learned about each others lives, and I felt better knowing about her life. I think I've gotten too used to identifying people by their occupations, not their lives. I hope she gets away for her vacation to Washington D.C. like she wants.
So there you have it. Next time you have a few moments, talk to a Prof, bus driver, waitress, dog walker, whatever. Learn their names. Learn their lives. And see past the occupation. It could give you a sense of realization you weren't expecting on another mundane day you're just trying to "get through".
9/25/2008
BAIL OUT BULLSHIT
I want people [students that rely on loans especially] to do some research. hopefully a light bulb will go off above everyone's head regarding this bail out money. we are headed for a LOT of trouble if this goes through.
I for one CANNOT pay tuition at Grand Valley [it went up 19% from last year alone] without good ol' Sallie Mae helping me out.
I kept telling myself "maybe Bush will go quietly", but that seems impossible. I knew OBAMA would have a mess to clean up when he gets into office, but please please please, not this too.
I hope you can afford your house, and trust the bank that your mortgage is through not to lose everything. I hope you can pay for college out of pocket. And I hope you have sensational credit if you plan on purchasing ANYTHING if this bail out goes through.
Why do we live in a society consumed by consumption?? Bigger is better. Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme. I want a better car than you, a bigger house than you. KNOCK IT OFF AMERICA. We are destroying this country.
And I can only name a handful of people around me that actually know enough to give an honest fuck.
I for one CANNOT pay tuition at Grand Valley [it went up 19% from last year alone] without good ol' Sallie Mae helping me out.
I kept telling myself "maybe Bush will go quietly", but that seems impossible. I knew OBAMA would have a mess to clean up when he gets into office, but please please please, not this too.
I hope you can afford your house, and trust the bank that your mortgage is through not to lose everything. I hope you can pay for college out of pocket. And I hope you have sensational credit if you plan on purchasing ANYTHING if this bail out goes through.
Why do we live in a society consumed by consumption?? Bigger is better. Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme. I want a better car than you, a bigger house than you. KNOCK IT OFF AMERICA. We are destroying this country.
And I can only name a handful of people around me that actually know enough to give an honest fuck.
9/19/2008
school.
If I could be a professional student, I would. I am in love with my Profs this semester. So much knowledge, and so much inspiration.
I'm looking forward to being all grown up and being a professor. Since being a professional student isn't entirely possible, I'll just enjoy these last 5 or 6 years of pure educational bliss until I can return the favor to all those crazy college kids.
Sometimes I get really excited about the future.
But on the contrary, I've just about had it with the fellow students I roam GV's campus with. Some conversations make me question how they got into college, or passed high school. But, silly me...thinking college was more about an education and less about getting wasted off keg stands and random hookups. I might jump off the clock tower if I hear another young woman use "like", "uhm", and "oh my god" all in one sentence.
I'm looking forward to being all grown up and being a professor. Since being a professional student isn't entirely possible, I'll just enjoy these last 5 or 6 years of pure educational bliss until I can return the favor to all those crazy college kids.
Sometimes I get really excited about the future.
But on the contrary, I've just about had it with the fellow students I roam GV's campus with. Some conversations make me question how they got into college, or passed high school. But, silly me...thinking college was more about an education and less about getting wasted off keg stands and random hookups. I might jump off the clock tower if I hear another young woman use "like", "uhm", and "oh my god" all in one sentence.
9/14/2008
Vote or...don't?
I'm starting this blog unsure of which direction I'm headed in. I just feel like I owe it to myself to dig as deep as I did last time I wrote in here. I'm not entirely sure why that last post was so pivotal for me, but it made me fall more in love with Phil, and now serves as a constant reminder of just how incredible he is. But I digress.
The hot topic in my life is politics. And while I won't turn this into an attempt to get you on "my side" of the political fence, I will step in and tell you that voting, and knowing why you're voting for that candidate, is important. If not to you, then to me. We have this amazing right to speak our mind. If you think it doesn't mean anything on a large scale - you're wrong. Because if everyone felt that way - then we wouldn't be voting at all. Because then not a single opinion would matter, be heard, or even taken into consideration.
It is important. In less that 8 weeks, we pick a new President. A new figurehead for our always confusing government. A new person to call the shots. A new spokesperson for the American people in foreign affairs. A new person to lift us up, or tear us down. To make it better, or make it worse. And if that's not important to you, then I'd like to know why not.
But, that's just me.
And I can also look at it from another viewpoint. If it isn't important to you, which is an attitude of yours that I'm not out to change, then don't vote. Don't ask someone who you should vote for, do just go "wing it" in the voting booth, and don't waste a privilege on ignorance. I'd be disapointed in anyone voting that didn't know what their candidate stood for, as well as the opposing candidate. Some people don't even have the right to vote, and live in country where their opinion doesn't matter.
Here your opinion can matter...are you going to make it count?
Okay, okay. There's the only political mumbo-jumbo you'll here from me for a few weeks ... until the election gets closer, then I cannot make any promises.
- - -
Maybe if I update more often, there won't be as much pressure to make each post incredible. Sorry if you were let down. Actually, not so sorry, because I'm embarrassed for you if you were let down by a bit of old-fashioned patriotism.
The hot topic in my life is politics. And while I won't turn this into an attempt to get you on "my side" of the political fence, I will step in and tell you that voting, and knowing why you're voting for that candidate, is important. If not to you, then to me. We have this amazing right to speak our mind. If you think it doesn't mean anything on a large scale - you're wrong. Because if everyone felt that way - then we wouldn't be voting at all. Because then not a single opinion would matter, be heard, or even taken into consideration.
It is important. In less that 8 weeks, we pick a new President. A new figurehead for our always confusing government. A new person to call the shots. A new spokesperson for the American people in foreign affairs. A new person to lift us up, or tear us down. To make it better, or make it worse. And if that's not important to you, then I'd like to know why not.
But, that's just me.
And I can also look at it from another viewpoint. If it isn't important to you, which is an attitude of yours that I'm not out to change, then don't vote. Don't ask someone who you should vote for, do just go "wing it" in the voting booth, and don't waste a privilege on ignorance. I'd be disapointed in anyone voting that didn't know what their candidate stood for, as well as the opposing candidate. Some people don't even have the right to vote, and live in country where their opinion doesn't matter.
Here your opinion can matter...are you going to make it count?
Okay, okay. There's the only political mumbo-jumbo you'll here from me for a few weeks ... until the election gets closer, then I cannot make any promises.
- - -
Maybe if I update more often, there won't be as much pressure to make each post incredible. Sorry if you were let down. Actually, not so sorry, because I'm embarrassed for you if you were let down by a bit of old-fashioned patriotism.
8/28/2008
late night soul searching
"Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time"
-LL
I find myself reflecting on my past and comparing it to my present/future more and more lately. I remember a certain relationship I was in, if you could even constitute it as an actual relationship. For three years of my life I was relentless in my quest for love from this one person. I stopped at nothing to get his attention, adoring it even when the attention given was negative, hurtful, and only when it catered to his needs.
I put myself in the position to never get the respect I deserved because I gave him every inch of my soul without ever demanding anything back. It came to a point when I welcomed getting stomped on because it was better than being ignored. And when we had nothing left to talk about but his inability to keep a lasting friendship with anyone or his list of complaints about how his perfect life wasn't so perfect...we resorted to alcohol and weed. There has never been a worse time in my life than that year. A year that turned into a physical, emotional, and intellectual sacrifice of myself for someone that never even took the time to know me, appreciate me, or be honest with me. While I could never really say he had fallen in love with me, the decent thing for him to do would have been to politely reject me before I turned over three years of my life to a lost cause.
When I met Phil, I didn't know who I was, but I knew I wasn't going to find it in him or any other man I came across in my life. I didn't know how to process the idea that a conversation full of love, honesty, and disagreements didn't have to turn into a nasty, Chelsea-bashing, all-out screaming fight. I didn't know what it was like to trust someone not to completely, intentionally ruin you, and have them live up to that.
And when I compare what I had through high school to what I have now, I realize that my harsh, blunt, honest judgments I make on other people's relationships are because I've been in the bad one, and the good one. While every relationship is vastly different, there are certain things that have always been and will always be red flags to me. As much as I've tried not to be completely judgmental, I always will be. It's a part of who I am because I would never wish those feelings on anyone - the struggle of remaining yourself, but fighting for the light at the end of the tunnel, and the light then disappearing and you're the only one left fighting, or the constant negativity you receive and start to see in yourself because no one has given you anything else to believe in.
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time"
-LL
I find myself reflecting on my past and comparing it to my present/future more and more lately. I remember a certain relationship I was in, if you could even constitute it as an actual relationship. For three years of my life I was relentless in my quest for love from this one person. I stopped at nothing to get his attention, adoring it even when the attention given was negative, hurtful, and only when it catered to his needs.
I put myself in the position to never get the respect I deserved because I gave him every inch of my soul without ever demanding anything back. It came to a point when I welcomed getting stomped on because it was better than being ignored. And when we had nothing left to talk about but his inability to keep a lasting friendship with anyone or his list of complaints about how his perfect life wasn't so perfect...we resorted to alcohol and weed. There has never been a worse time in my life than that year. A year that turned into a physical, emotional, and intellectual sacrifice of myself for someone that never even took the time to know me, appreciate me, or be honest with me. While I could never really say he had fallen in love with me, the decent thing for him to do would have been to politely reject me before I turned over three years of my life to a lost cause.
When I met Phil, I didn't know who I was, but I knew I wasn't going to find it in him or any other man I came across in my life. I didn't know how to process the idea that a conversation full of love, honesty, and disagreements didn't have to turn into a nasty, Chelsea-bashing, all-out screaming fight. I didn't know what it was like to trust someone not to completely, intentionally ruin you, and have them live up to that.
And when I compare what I had through high school to what I have now, I realize that my harsh, blunt, honest judgments I make on other people's relationships are because I've been in the bad one, and the good one. While every relationship is vastly different, there are certain things that have always been and will always be red flags to me. As much as I've tried not to be completely judgmental, I always will be. It's a part of who I am because I would never wish those feelings on anyone - the struggle of remaining yourself, but fighting for the light at the end of the tunnel, and the light then disappearing and you're the only one left fighting, or the constant negativity you receive and start to see in yourself because no one has given you anything else to believe in.
8/25/2008
8/23/2008
8/19/2008
Grand Valley campus can be overwhelming to me sometimes...everyone else makes it look so easy. But I'm okay with looking like I'm lost and out of place. I consider myself to me completely lost and out of place. I love college.
My main goal this year [both semesters included] is to be able to qualify and apply for the English Honors Society Sigma Tau Delta.
Phil starts the big move tomorrow and then brings the furniture over on Saturday. It's an exciting time for our relationship.
My main goal this year [both semesters included] is to be able to qualify and apply for the English Honors Society Sigma Tau Delta.
Phil starts the big move tomorrow and then brings the furniture over on Saturday. It's an exciting time for our relationship.
7/24/2008
What has this world come to? I have lived my whole life, although it's a short amount of time in comparison to others, in a corrupt, judgmental, greedy, disgusting, wasteful society that never seems to learn from previous mistakes.
When did we evolve into an incestuous, money-hungry, sex-crazed, murderous, brainwashed planet that is unapologetic for our new ways of living?
In case you're hiding under a rock, here is what is going on in the world this week:
-A 38 year old woman tied up an 18 year old girl and cut out her uterus to steal her baby.
-Bush wants to take $230 million of our money to upgrade Pakistan's jets
-An Iraqi boy is kidnapped and raped at the age of 16, because he is gay.
-We are also going to pay $25 billion to help rescue Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac with their loan debt.
Why is our society a society in which the bad guys can stay bad?
Why aren't we demanding that every human be a good person?
Why do we accept certain behavior, chalking it up to cultural, societal, or behavioral differences?
Aren't there human standards that should be acknowledged?
I'm embarrassed to be a part of our human race.
I'm embarrassed to have someone like George W. Bush "leading" an entire country.
I'm embarrassed for whoever actually voted for him.
I'm embarrassed for what the rest of the world thinks of us.
I'm embarrassed at the way some other countries are still run.
I'm embarrassed by myself, and how I have not affected this world in a positive way.
I'm embarrassed that I think trying is a waste of time.
This world is destroyed. And we destroyed it. By our inability to demand that everyone be one of the good guys.
When did we evolve into an incestuous, money-hungry, sex-crazed, murderous, brainwashed planet that is unapologetic for our new ways of living?
In case you're hiding under a rock, here is what is going on in the world this week:
-A 38 year old woman tied up an 18 year old girl and cut out her uterus to steal her baby.
-Bush wants to take $230 million of our money to upgrade Pakistan's jets
-An Iraqi boy is kidnapped and raped at the age of 16, because he is gay.
-We are also going to pay $25 billion to help rescue Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac with their loan debt.
Why is our society a society in which the bad guys can stay bad?
Why aren't we demanding that every human be a good person?
Why do we accept certain behavior, chalking it up to cultural, societal, or behavioral differences?
Aren't there human standards that should be acknowledged?
I'm embarrassed to be a part of our human race.
I'm embarrassed to have someone like George W. Bush "leading" an entire country.
I'm embarrassed for whoever actually voted for him.
I'm embarrassed for what the rest of the world thinks of us.
I'm embarrassed at the way some other countries are still run.
I'm embarrassed by myself, and how I have not affected this world in a positive way.
I'm embarrassed that I think trying is a waste of time.
This world is destroyed. And we destroyed it. By our inability to demand that everyone be one of the good guys.
7/03/2008
turn off my heart
I enjoy the last sip of wine...the sweet and tart sip that leaves you satisfied and craving more.
That's life.
The awkward mix of contentment and need for something else.
That's life, to me.
What I've been and what I am never measure up to what I want to be. There's a weird sense of failure, when you know you aren't failing, but all you're really doing is just getting by. I'm going though all the right motions.
Why do the motions have to be right. And why does what's wrong seem so wrong.
I'd make those question marks, but they have no answer. And then that's another almost failure.
Everyday I dare myself to do something that no one will think I'd ever do. Everyday I do not do those things. Everyday I stay who I am, and fail at stretching my ability to live freely.
I am in love with a man that captivates my soul on a daily basis. I am in love with a man that makes me giggle like a little girl and laugh until I can't breathe. I am in love with a man that makes me challenge my own intelligence and challenge the ways of the world. I am in love with a man that has somehow managed to keep me falling in love, deeper and deeper, everyday. I am in love with a man.
That paragraph didn't fit, and I'm sure your brain couldn't connect it. But that's the point of this love, my love, our love. For me, it fits - no matter where I put it. The pieces always fit.
My taste buds somehow spoke philosophy. One sweetly tart sip has turned my heart and head on overdrive. Do not assume I am intoxicated. Half a glass means nothing. The smallest trigger of any of my five senses can cause a post like this.
That's life.
The awkward mix of contentment and need for something else.
That's life, to me.
What I've been and what I am never measure up to what I want to be. There's a weird sense of failure, when you know you aren't failing, but all you're really doing is just getting by. I'm going though all the right motions.
Why do the motions have to be right. And why does what's wrong seem so wrong.
I'd make those question marks, but they have no answer. And then that's another almost failure.
Everyday I dare myself to do something that no one will think I'd ever do. Everyday I do not do those things. Everyday I stay who I am, and fail at stretching my ability to live freely.
I am in love with a man that captivates my soul on a daily basis. I am in love with a man that makes me giggle like a little girl and laugh until I can't breathe. I am in love with a man that makes me challenge my own intelligence and challenge the ways of the world. I am in love with a man that has somehow managed to keep me falling in love, deeper and deeper, everyday. I am in love with a man.
That paragraph didn't fit, and I'm sure your brain couldn't connect it. But that's the point of this love, my love, our love. For me, it fits - no matter where I put it. The pieces always fit.
My taste buds somehow spoke philosophy. One sweetly tart sip has turned my heart and head on overdrive. Do not assume I am intoxicated. Half a glass means nothing. The smallest trigger of any of my five senses can cause a post like this.
6/29/2008
the hands climb as high as they'll go
a unity of thousands with one focus
my smile breaks through the noise
i feel the power fill the building
they scream every word to every song
as if it's a sin not to
i hold my chest as the music beats through me
i finally understand this emotion
infants in strollers, old men with canes
generations upon generations together
there is a likeness in all of us
we're all here searching for that feeling
song after song we feel it
the meaning is unlocked
a political, emotional, powerful surge
a unified hope for the future
truth drips from the lyrics
passion flows from his movements
this is what i'm a part of
this is the deepest part of me
a unity of thousands with one focus
my smile breaks through the noise
i feel the power fill the building
they scream every word to every song
as if it's a sin not to
i hold my chest as the music beats through me
i finally understand this emotion
infants in strollers, old men with canes
generations upon generations together
there is a likeness in all of us
we're all here searching for that feeling
song after song we feel it
the meaning is unlocked
a political, emotional, powerful surge
a unified hope for the future
truth drips from the lyrics
passion flows from his movements
this is what i'm a part of
this is the deepest part of me
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