guess i should've been more like her...

Miranda Lambert's "More Like Her". Download it and enjoy.

I listen to that song and think of how many people I wish I could be more like. Some reasons are artificial and some are more substantial. I guess that whole "when I grow up" mantra never fails to hunt me down.

I thumb through Victoria's Secret catalogs daydreaming about buying something, anything...but only if it looks that good on me. I bought a shirt, size medium, that highlights every ounce of fat in my midsection. It was a pretty disappointing body in the mirror. I had a very fast metabolism when I was younger, and you could have snapped me in half. Those binge eating habits continued even when my metabolism couldn't quite keep up. Now I'm 20 pounds heavier than I need to be, all because the half gallon of ice cream is ALWAYS calling my name. I wish I could wake up, put anything on, and be out the door. I have gotten so damn good at wearing just the right clothes. My jeans are always too big, to hide the love handles. My tops show off enough boob to distract you from my stomach - which currently makes me look 3 months pregnant. I don't want to go down a bad path. I've been to ugly places and back, and I would never wish that much self-loathing on anyone - no matter what. I will never again go 4 days without eating just to binge and stick my finger down my throat. I will never again feel proud of myself for "getting it all out of my system". I just wish my motivation to catch up to my desire to be healthy. Why is it so hard to stop eating when I'm full, to workout at the place I have a membership, and say no to Oreos? I wonder if those models have any healthy secrets they could send my way...

I went to the most inspirational concert last summer. Eddie Vedder is god and aside from the sexy rasp in his voice and his "no bullshit" attitude, he has more depth to him than anyone else I've ever heard of. As far-fetched as that may come across as, I truly believe it. It's not the groupie side of me taking control - I've heard the man speak his mind in the most passionate way. He holds nothing back and is brutally honest. The best part is - he is intelligent and knows what he's talking about. I seem to always be in limbo between being outspoken and knowing what I'm talking about. I can be the most opinionated person you've talked to, but sometimes I don't know up from down. I am be steaming from the ears with passion for a subject, but I hardly ever research the ins and outs enough to talk the way I do. But, there are things I consider myself to be very knowledgeable about. I keep my lips sealed when it comes to these things. I can try to explain...it's like keeping a secret. You are trusted not to tell a soul, and you have information the average person does not. Suppose you expose the secret to everyone you know. For every person you tell, the rarity of that secret slowly vanishes. After a while, it's common knowledge and no one looks at you impressed that you knew it first. That's how I feel about what I know, especially what I know well.

I have lost track of life. I don't know why I'm in school. I couldn't tell you where I see myself in 2, 5, 10 years. I go back and forth about every decision I've ever made. I hate waking up and going to class. I hate waking up and going to work ten times worse.

If only I could have the confidence and sex appeal of a VS model and the passionate intelligence of Eddie Vedder.

While that wouldn't give clarity to my situations regarding school, work, and the rest of my life...at least I'd feel better about myself inside and out.

I suppose that's what working out and reading the newspaper are for...