guess i should've been more like her...

Miranda Lambert's "More Like Her". Download it and enjoy.

I listen to that song and think of how many people I wish I could be more like. Some reasons are artificial and some are more substantial. I guess that whole "when I grow up" mantra never fails to hunt me down.

I thumb through Victoria's Secret catalogs daydreaming about buying something, anything...but only if it looks that good on me. I bought a shirt, size medium, that highlights every ounce of fat in my midsection. It was a pretty disappointing body in the mirror. I had a very fast metabolism when I was younger, and you could have snapped me in half. Those binge eating habits continued even when my metabolism couldn't quite keep up. Now I'm 20 pounds heavier than I need to be, all because the half gallon of ice cream is ALWAYS calling my name. I wish I could wake up, put anything on, and be out the door. I have gotten so damn good at wearing just the right clothes. My jeans are always too big, to hide the love handles. My tops show off enough boob to distract you from my stomach - which currently makes me look 3 months pregnant. I don't want to go down a bad path. I've been to ugly places and back, and I would never wish that much self-loathing on anyone - no matter what. I will never again go 4 days without eating just to binge and stick my finger down my throat. I will never again feel proud of myself for "getting it all out of my system". I just wish my motivation to catch up to my desire to be healthy. Why is it so hard to stop eating when I'm full, to workout at the place I have a membership, and say no to Oreos? I wonder if those models have any healthy secrets they could send my way...

I went to the most inspirational concert last summer. Eddie Vedder is god and aside from the sexy rasp in his voice and his "no bullshit" attitude, he has more depth to him than anyone else I've ever heard of. As far-fetched as that may come across as, I truly believe it. It's not the groupie side of me taking control - I've heard the man speak his mind in the most passionate way. He holds nothing back and is brutally honest. The best part is - he is intelligent and knows what he's talking about. I seem to always be in limbo between being outspoken and knowing what I'm talking about. I can be the most opinionated person you've talked to, but sometimes I don't know up from down. I am be steaming from the ears with passion for a subject, but I hardly ever research the ins and outs enough to talk the way I do. But, there are things I consider myself to be very knowledgeable about. I keep my lips sealed when it comes to these things. I can try to explain...it's like keeping a secret. You are trusted not to tell a soul, and you have information the average person does not. Suppose you expose the secret to everyone you know. For every person you tell, the rarity of that secret slowly vanishes. After a while, it's common knowledge and no one looks at you impressed that you knew it first. That's how I feel about what I know, especially what I know well.

I have lost track of life. I don't know why I'm in school. I couldn't tell you where I see myself in 2, 5, 10 years. I go back and forth about every decision I've ever made. I hate waking up and going to class. I hate waking up and going to work ten times worse.

If only I could have the confidence and sex appeal of a VS model and the passionate intelligence of Eddie Vedder.

While that wouldn't give clarity to my situations regarding school, work, and the rest of my life...at least I'd feel better about myself inside and out.

I suppose that's what working out and reading the newspaper are for...

Aside from job stress, money stress, emotional breakdown stress, and school stress - I'm doing very well these days.

song of the week: Present Tense by Pearl Jam.

i'm in a twisted melancholy state. things are not looking too promising for me this evening. i feel lower than i need to be.

conversations

I had two meaningful conversations today. One right after the other, in two different ways.

First, I had a meeting with my History prof [Matthew Daley, GVSU - get in one of his classes!]. We had to have a meeting about a paper, before final revisions. It was nice to hear such thoughtful compliments from a professor. He was very proud of my work, writing technique, and overall approach to this paper. After 5 minutes of me having a smile on my face so big it hurt, and him going through my paper, he asked me how I was doing with the other aspects of class. This meeting was meant to be 20 minutes long, and quickly turned into an hour. I enjoyed having an intellectual discussion about teaching styles at a Liberal Arts college, and what to expect when I cross over into Prof World. Witnessing a teacher that amped about History, as well as college in general, was so refreshing. Although he said he couldn't also help with my Linguistics class, he's still okay in my book. :)

After leaving his office and jumping on the bus, I started talking to the bus driver. I have this issue with the lack of acknowledgment that they are real people, with names and lives. Think about it, they have their name slots right next to the rear view mirror, and how many times do you actually use it? I'm one of the people that say thank-you when I get off the bus, but think of putting their name at the end of it. It reminds them that we know they're people, not just bus drivers. Anyways, her name was Dawn and for the 20 minutes of our trip together, we learned about each others lives, and I felt better knowing about her life. I think I've gotten too used to identifying people by their occupations, not their lives. I hope she gets away for her vacation to Washington D.C. like she wants.

So there you have it. Next time you have a few moments, talk to a Prof, bus driver, waitress, dog walker, whatever. Learn their names. Learn their lives. And see past the occupation. It could give you a sense of realization you weren't expecting on another mundane day you're just trying to "get through".

BAIL OUT BULLSHIT

I want people [students that rely on loans especially] to do some research. hopefully a light bulb will go off above everyone's head regarding this bail out money. we are headed for a LOT of trouble if this goes through.

I for one CANNOT pay tuition at Grand Valley [it went up 19% from last year alone] without good ol' Sallie Mae helping me out.

I kept telling myself "maybe Bush will go quietly", but that seems impossible. I knew OBAMA would have a mess to clean up when he gets into office, but please please please, not this too.

I hope you can afford your house, and trust the bank that your mortgage is through not to lose everything. I hope you can pay for college out of pocket. And I hope you have sensational credit if you plan on purchasing ANYTHING if this bail out goes through.

Why do we live in a society consumed by consumption?? Bigger is better. Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme. I want a better car than you, a bigger house than you. KNOCK IT OFF AMERICA. We are destroying this country.

And I can only name a handful of people around me that actually know enough to give an honest fuck.

school.

If I could be a professional student, I would. I am in love with my Profs this semester. So much knowledge, and so much inspiration.

I'm looking forward to being all grown up and being a professor. Since being a professional student isn't entirely possible, I'll just enjoy these last 5 or 6 years of pure educational bliss until I can return the favor to all those crazy college kids.

Sometimes I get really excited about the future.


But on the contrary, I've just about had it with the fellow students I roam GV's campus with. Some conversations make me question how they got into college, or passed high school. But, silly me...thinking college was more about an education and less about getting wasted off keg stands and random hookups. I might jump off the clock tower if I hear another young woman use "like", "uhm", and "oh my god" all in one sentence.