BAIL OUT BULLSHIT

I want people [students that rely on loans especially] to do some research. hopefully a light bulb will go off above everyone's head regarding this bail out money. we are headed for a LOT of trouble if this goes through.

I for one CANNOT pay tuition at Grand Valley [it went up 19% from last year alone] without good ol' Sallie Mae helping me out.

I kept telling myself "maybe Bush will go quietly", but that seems impossible. I knew OBAMA would have a mess to clean up when he gets into office, but please please please, not this too.

I hope you can afford your house, and trust the bank that your mortgage is through not to lose everything. I hope you can pay for college out of pocket. And I hope you have sensational credit if you plan on purchasing ANYTHING if this bail out goes through.

Why do we live in a society consumed by consumption?? Bigger is better. Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme. I want a better car than you, a bigger house than you. KNOCK IT OFF AMERICA. We are destroying this country.

And I can only name a handful of people around me that actually know enough to give an honest fuck.

school.

If I could be a professional student, I would. I am in love with my Profs this semester. So much knowledge, and so much inspiration.

I'm looking forward to being all grown up and being a professor. Since being a professional student isn't entirely possible, I'll just enjoy these last 5 or 6 years of pure educational bliss until I can return the favor to all those crazy college kids.

Sometimes I get really excited about the future.


But on the contrary, I've just about had it with the fellow students I roam GV's campus with. Some conversations make me question how they got into college, or passed high school. But, silly me...thinking college was more about an education and less about getting wasted off keg stands and random hookups. I might jump off the clock tower if I hear another young woman use "like", "uhm", and "oh my god" all in one sentence.

Vote or...don't?

I'm starting this blog unsure of which direction I'm headed in. I just feel like I owe it to myself to dig as deep as I did last time I wrote in here. I'm not entirely sure why that last post was so pivotal for me, but it made me fall more in love with Phil, and now serves as a constant reminder of just how incredible he is. But I digress.

The hot topic in my life is politics. And while I won't turn this into an attempt to get you on "my side" of the political fence, I will step in and tell you that voting, and knowing why you're voting for that candidate, is important. If not to you, then to me. We have this amazing right to speak our mind. If you think it doesn't mean anything on a large scale - you're wrong. Because if everyone felt that way - then we wouldn't be voting at all. Because then not a single opinion would matter, be heard, or even taken into consideration.

It is important. In less that 8 weeks, we pick a new President. A new figurehead for our always confusing government. A new person to call the shots. A new spokesperson for the American people in foreign affairs. A new person to lift us up, or tear us down. To make it better, or make it worse. And if that's not important to you, then I'd like to know why not.

But, that's just me.

And I can also look at it from another viewpoint. If it isn't important to you, which is an attitude of yours that I'm not out to change, then don't vote. Don't ask someone who you should vote for, do just go "wing it" in the voting booth, and don't waste a privilege on ignorance. I'd be disapointed in anyone voting that didn't know what their candidate stood for, as well as the opposing candidate. Some people don't even have the right to vote, and live in country where their opinion doesn't matter.

Here your opinion can matter...are you going to make it count?

Okay, okay. There's the only political mumbo-jumbo you'll here from me for a few weeks ... until the election gets closer, then I cannot make any promises.

- - -

Maybe if I update more often, there won't be as much pressure to make each post incredible. Sorry if you were let down. Actually, not so sorry, because I'm embarrassed for you if you were let down by a bit of old-fashioned patriotism.

late night soul searching

"Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time"
-LL

I find myself reflecting on my past and comparing it to my present/future more and more lately. I remember a certain relationship I was in, if you could even constitute it as an actual relationship. For three years of my life I was relentless in my quest for love from this one person. I stopped at nothing to get his attention, adoring it even when the attention given was negative, hurtful, and only when it catered to his needs.

I put myself in the position to never get the respect I deserved because I gave him every inch of my soul without ever demanding anything back. It came to a point when I welcomed getting stomped on because it was better than being ignored. And when we had nothing left to talk about but his inability to keep a lasting friendship with anyone or his list of complaints about how his perfect life wasn't so perfect...we resorted to alcohol and weed. There has never been a worse time in my life than that year. A year that turned into a physical, emotional, and intellectual sacrifice of myself for someone that never even took the time to know me, appreciate me, or be honest with me. While I could never really say he had fallen in love with me, the decent thing for him to do would have been to politely reject me before I turned over three years of my life to a lost cause.

When I met Phil, I didn't know who I was, but I knew I wasn't going to find it in him or any other man I came across in my life. I didn't know how to process the idea that a conversation full of love, honesty, and disagreements didn't have to turn into a nasty, Chelsea-bashing, all-out screaming fight. I didn't know what it was like to trust someone not to completely, intentionally ruin you, and have them live up to that.

And when I compare what I had through high school to what I have now, I realize that my harsh, blunt, honest judgments I make on other people's relationships are because I've been in the bad one, and the good one. While every relationship is vastly different, there are certain things that have always been and will always be red flags to me. As much as I've tried not to be completely judgmental, I always will be. It's a part of who I am because I would never wish those feelings on anyone - the struggle of remaining yourself, but fighting for the light at the end of the tunnel, and the light then disappearing and you're the only one left fighting, or the constant negativity you receive and start to see in yourself because no one has given you anything else to believe in.

today, i cried.

and realized how people can say mean things and be insensitive when they don't have the same basic concerns or struggles.

I officially live with Phil.

Grand Valley campus can be overwhelming to me sometimes...everyone else makes it look so easy. But I'm okay with looking like I'm lost and out of place. I consider myself to me completely lost and out of place. I love college.

My main goal this year [both semesters included] is to be able to qualify and apply for the English Honors Society Sigma Tau Delta.

Phil starts the big move tomorrow and then brings the furniture over on Saturday. It's an exciting time for our relationship.